Summer 2026 Archives
August 2026
Stolen blood valor
In a fundraising email, Michigan Senate candidate Mike Rogers was all like, "I helped kill Osama bin Laden and saw his filthy corpse and shit!" Meanwhile, he was actually at home in D.C. otherwise occupied (you know, like eating pizza, drinking beer or getting in one last underage-Ariana Grande fap before she turned 18) and didn't do any of that.🐊
'Aliens live in our oceans,' dementia patient declares
While the president is organically batshit, Ozzy's son appears to be delusional for pay as he says Trump’s comments “makes sense."🐊
Old man obsessed with kids' 'beautiful little bodies'
Due to his own personal lack, Trump doesn't want to stick a big one into kids. He'd rather children get multiple smaller pokes. "Those beautiful little bodies can handle it," he said to horrified parents.🐊
Colorado gubernatorial candidate battles reptilian demons, ISIS, logic
Christian Nationalist Evangelist Victor Marx (the GOP gubernatorial candidate for Colorado) has trained warriors in Myanmar and fought numerous demons, including a shapeshifter that adopted physical attributes of Dr. Spock and a teenage girl that transformed into a reptile before his gosh-darn eyes. Oh, and his stepfather created "Cajun Karate." All of this psychotic bullshit is revealed in Marx's memoir which, because his target audience is gullible, has a 4.8 rating on Amazon.🐊
Shittastic midterms proudly all-American
Lying is officially quaint in America 250. Sexual misconduct, financial crimes, domestic abuse and suicide and/or murder; the 2026 U.S. midterm elections boast an all-star slate of grifters, idiots and ghouls.🐊
Letters by SWF desperate for daddy's affection revealed
“You are all that matters to me,” Natalie Harp wrote, wet with anticipation, in thirsty letters to President Trump. “I don’t want to ever let you down," she wrote in shaky penmanship while biting her lower lip, a trickle of blood running through the dimple in her chin and dripping down her neck. Her letters fail to mention how much Stephen Miller subsequently feasted.🐊
Nation's First Tubgirl Trunkgirl an inspiration to women
Told she wasn't wanted by the president's professional dick riders, Natalie Harp—Trump's latest blonde—climbed inside his ample trunk, proving her psycho-girlfriend-level stalking skills dedication.🐊
Colorado school district loves facts, hates bible (and Texas)
Textbooks crafted to educate and build the next generation of leaders in Texas have been rejected by a Colorado school district upon realizing the materials are riddled with errors, present fairy tales as fact and spend far too much time stroking the One-Star State's oil-greased ego. That one cool teacher (c'mon, you know you had one) will surely use the discarded pages to roll up a fatty, "Fiyah bun, Babylon!"🐊
Secretary of State: 'Gimme my gotdamn freedom fries!'
Edmond police arrested Oklahoma Secretary of State Ben Lepak, who was standing at a McDonald's drive-thru at 10:45 p.m., for suspected public intoxication. In a bizarre time-space lapse, Lepak allegedly admitted to driving and not driving to the location (his car was in the parking lot). DUI charges against the politician are unlikely because...Oklahoma.🐊
Seemingly suicidal Florida Republican pushed death penalty for child molesters
Mike Caruso—a county clerk in Trump's home district and a staunch ally of Gov. Ron DeSantis—promoted the dealth penalty for child molesters. Three years later, he allegedly raped his grandson on Royal Caribbean's luxurious Icon of the Seas.🐊
Gay fish to perform historic Oligarchs + Alcoholics Fest
A pair of October gigs in Russia sold out in less than an hour thanks to disposable income no longer being spent on the now-defunt Wildberries.🐊
Epic Florida Man primaries to reinforce stereotypes
These awe-inspiring campaigns feature carpetbaggers, homophobes, racists, Islamophobes and a sex criminal. Sunshine State residents look to secure apt representation.🐊
The Don's latest attempt to seduce Sir Mix-a-Lot
The First Dumptruck was thrust into public view with new footage of the old man's disgusting, bulging posterior. Either an oddly placed colostomy bag is full or McDonald's is about to reveal record-breaking revenue for the quarter.🐊
The obedient toadies Trump left to die
"So long, losers!" Scott Bessent, Stephen Miller, Marco Rubio and others are deemed entirely replaceable by the U.S. president, presumably because they're not needed for his latest grift.🐊
Parents hope to Christ children's school materials made by AI
A school in Kentucky sent home a bound agenda loaded with Gilliam-esque absurdity, such as a U.S. map featuring the states of Vitoiis, Lookoong, Venecky and Alotome. Among countless other AI gibberish snafus is the fourth planet from the sun, Marc. Parents pray an actual human didn't write this bullshit.🐊
Land pirates chosen by God hate Christians, too!
After months of attacks by illegal "settlers," the last Christian town in the West Bank has been declared a "closed military zone" by the IDF. Xtian fundamentalists probably placing huge Kalshi bets on "Armageddon before Dec. 31."🐊
'Scared little bitch' hides in catering truck
Brave and honorable leader Trump expertly enacted a brilliant plan to escape the perilous Air Force One via food truck, totally not afraid of a hallucinated Iranian assassination attempt.🐊
Son of pedo dad, theater handjobber mum arrested for child exploitation
Tyler Jay "TJ Dawg" Boebert, son of U.S. Rep. Lauren Boebert, has been arrested, accused of recording and sharing a video of himself banging a kid, according to court records. In other news: Apple tree bears apple fruit.🐊
Beloved US landmark blown up as Trump courts midterm voters
The Big Bend National Park is Texas has been deemed an undeveloped eyesore as the Xenophobe-in-Chief begins blowing up the pristine wilderness to build a stupid, easily overcome wall...because he's afraid of Mexicans. "Strong man" seemingly unaware of the term "Texas pride" and implications for the mid-term elections in which polls have the GOP already eating ass.🐊
Popped predator leaves GOP in sticky situation
WV GOP House candidate Elliott Pritt—a high school teacher—withdrew from the race after his arrest for enticing a minor, leaving no Republican candidate on the ballot. It's not yet known whether or not he actually had the promised candy and puppy.🐊
'For the children': Meta profits from ads with CSAM
Over the last nine months, the pervert-glasses pioneer Meta has run dozens of paid ads that include AI-generated child sexual abuse material and images of minors in sexually suggestive contexts. Trump, typically eager to support such a company, couldn't be reached for a statement as he was busy ranting about a Muslim man being supported by his local community.🐊
'Beat it': GOP state rep arrested for domestic abuse resigns
State Rep. Austin McCollum, who has resigned from the Arkansas House of Representatives following his arrest for domestic violence, threatens to focus on his family. When asked about the situation, Gov. Sarah Huckabee Sanders blinked unevenly.🐊
Knife-wielding, Pixies-loving congressional candidate knocked da fuck out on beautiful beach
Hawaii 5-0 busted congressional candidate Kirill Basin after they say he refused to lower the volume of The Pixies, threatened multiple beachgoers with a knife (before yeeting it into the sea) and then encountered the "wrong one" and took a brief nap on the warm, summer sand.🐊
Rich rapist threatens rich rapist's vapid son with 'reckoning'
Andrew Tate’s attorney is demanding that Presidente Trump help his client or face a "reckoning." Many view this as Tate weaponizing his totally-heterosexual-and-absolutely-genuine relationship with Barron Trump to somehow evade sex-crimes charges in Europe.🐊
July 2026
Word-salad poet on grass, barbed wire, Star Wars, etc.
Excerpt from President Trump's latest spoken word performance:
"Grass is like human beings.
Grass is a life also.
And we're changing.
We're raking, cleaning and changing all of the parks.
We don't have people."🐊
Skeet-skeet, goddamn: US passport gets low
The United States' celebration of Lil Jon's 55th year on earth has reached a new milestone with the U.S. passport falling to 10th place in an annual global ranking of the world's most powerful passports.🐊
Hard to handle: School robot linked to sex dolls, spying concerns
A New York school district is pausing the rollout of its humanoid school-bot citing privacy concerns and totally not because all the teen boys will try to fuck the clunker that's produced by lifelike sex doll-manufacturer Realbotix.🐊
Turgid Musk to bring Sanford and Son 'to the moon'
In early August, the upper stage of a discarded Falcon 9 rocket will collide with the moon at 5,400 miles per hour as a witty metaphor for both SpaceX's plummeting stock price and Elon Musk's blood-to-ketamine ratio.🐊
Mexican industrialists boost Nigerian employment with latest investment
Specialist chefs from El País Azteca continue to expand mentorship programs and trade education in Africa, according to methamphetamine task force members.🐊
Username mixup confuses Canadian gamer for US president
A man spent 18 months in jail after being convicted of child luring and possession of child pornography before his lawyers proved the mistaken identity: His Skyrim username contained two sequential underscores, rather than just the one used by the actual creep.🐊
Oval Office redesign flaunts luxury with gold-painted 'plastique'
President Trump has majestically transformed the Oval Office into a “24-karat gold” Xanadu, literally dripping in ornate decor because the gold-colored spray paint hasn't yet dried on the plastic Home Depot furnishings.🐊
US government map mislabels every African country
Lil' Marco Rubio's State Department takes full responsibility credit for disgracing the nation on the world stage by disseminating the map (complete with AI watermarks) at an AIDS conference in Rio de Janeiro.🐊
Trump embarrasses his family, US on world stage, again
Donald Trump and footie bestie Gianni Infantino were booed as they took to the field during the World Cup trophy presentation ceremony. The U.S. president then stumbled around awkwardly, unable to feign being a conscious human, while trying to make the celebration about him.🐊
Homoerotic side of GOP's masculinity mania obvious in sweetpants
Congresswoman Becca Balint thinks there's something queer about Sweet Petey Hegseth's fixation on masculinity, noting the obsession with manliness while villainizing the LGBTQ community at the same time.🐊
Don't boof the queen...unless you're this guy
The Beemaster™ inspires awe and grace despite or perhaps due to having seemingly kiestered the queen.🐊
Real leadership: Deer blood baths, mutant strawberries, Franklenstein lab
Aging despot Vladimir Gloria Putin is afraid to die and refusing to go gracefully into the light, flailing for immortality with a multibillion-dollar, RFK Jr.-inspired plan that includes his daughter, pig organs, a mountain lair that totally doesn't have a wall of anal toys and mutant strawberries.🐊
Russian asset's brother arrested in aloha pedo bust
The brother of former U.S. Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard has been arrested and charged after allegedly trying to lure children to a Waikiki hotel room. The case stemmed from a "stranger danger" call to police last week.🐊
War secretary to mandate gender-affirming care
In an effort to keep U.S. troops on the "leading edge of lethality" while also increasing their risk of cancer, war criminal and former basic cable talking head Pete Hegseth announced service members aged 30 and older will undergo mandatory testosterone tests.🐊
Obese dementia patient cries 'foreign election interference' to justify his own
In the U.S. president's ongoing gaslighting campaign, he no longer treats the American people him as voters; he treats them as suspects to be implicated in convoluted, phony crimes.🐊
ICE gives brain-damaged unemployable license to kill
The ICE officer who allegedly killed a man in Maine has been suffering from lingering cognitive issues after an I-beam hit his dome and beats women, according to 2023 court proceedings. So, either employs violent, brain-damaged dolts or this dude be scammin'.🐊
Trafficking bros arrested by feds in Miami
Social media rapefluencers Andrew and Tristan Tate were taken into custody by federal law enforcement in Miami on Saturday, related to more and more charges of sexual assault from the UK.🐊
United agent threatens to call ICE on US citizen
A United Airlines worker at SFO turned a ticketing mix-up into a stellar opportunity to racially profile and threaten a U.S. citizen. "Maybe we should call ICE on you. You’re not acting like a citizen," the patriotic ray of sunshine is heard saying on video.🐊
How a joke launched a salad-based panic
"...a 30-second video of someone describing their week chained to the bathroom will keep people away from the salad aisle significantly faster than a CDC case count ever could. Not because it's more truthful, but because it's immediate—and because almost nobody looks at case counts."🐊