July 2026 Archives
July 2026
Word-salad poet on grass, barbed wire, Star Wars, etc.
Excerpt from President Trump's latest spoken word performance:
"Grass is like human beings.
Grass is a life also.
And we're changing.
We're raking, cleaning and changing all of the parks.
We don't have people."🐊
Skeet-skeet, goddamn: US passport gets low
The United States' celebration of Lil Jon's 55th year on earth has reached a new milestone with the U.S. passport falling to 10th place in an annual global ranking of the world's most powerful passports.🐊
Hard to handle: School robot linked to sex dolls, spying concerns
A New York school district is pausing the rollout of its humanoid school-bot citing privacy concerns and totally not because all the teen boys will try to fuck the clunker that's produced by lifelike sex doll-manufacturer Realbotix.🐊
Turgid Musk to bring Sanford and Son 'to the moon'
In early August, the upper stage of a discarded Falcon 9 rocket will collide with the moon at 5,400 miles per hour as a witty metaphor for both SpaceX's plummeting stock price and Elon Musk's blood-to-ketamine ratio.🐊
Mexican industrialists boost Nigerian employment with latest investment
Specialist chefs from El País Azteca continue to expand mentorship programs and trade education in Africa, according to methamphetamine task force members.🐊
Username mixup confuses Canadian gamer for US president
A man spent 18 months in jail after being convicted of child luring and possession of child pornography before his lawyers proved the mistaken identity: His Skyrim username contained two sequential underscores, rather than just the one used by the actual creep.🐊
Oval Office redesign flaunts luxury with gold-painted 'plastique'
President Trump has majestically transformed the Oval Office into a “24-karat gold” Xanadu, literally dripping in ornate decor because the gold-colored spray paint hasn't yet dried on the plastic Home Depot furnishings.🐊
US government map mislabels every African country
Lil' Marco Rubio's State Department takes full responsibility credit for disgracing the nation on the world stage by disseminating the map (complete with AI watermarks) at an AIDS conference in Rio de Janeiro.🐊
Trump embarrasses his family, US on world stage, again
Donald Trump and footie bestie Gianni Infantino were booed as they took to the field during the World Cup trophy presentation ceremony. The U.S. president then stumbled around awkwardly, unable to feign being a conscious human, while trying to make the celebration about him.🐊
Homoerotic side of GOP's masculinity mania obvious in sweetpants
Congresswoman Becca Balint thinks there's something queer about Sweet Petey Hegseth's fixation on masculinity, noting the obsession with manliness while villainizing the LGBTQ community at the same time.🐊
Don't boof the queen...unless you're this guy
The Beemaster™ inspires awe and grace despite or perhaps due to having seemingly kiestered the queen.🐊
Real leadership: Deer blood baths, mutant strawberries, Franklenstein lab
Aging despot Vladimir Gloria Putin is afraid to die and refusing to go gracefully into the light, flailing for immortality with a multibillion-dollar, RFK Jr.-inspired plan that includes his daughter, pig organs, a mountain lair that totally doesn't have a wall of anal toys and mutant strawberries.🐊
Russian asset's brother arrested in aloha pedo bust
The brother of former U.S. Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard has been arrested and charged after allegedly trying to lure children to a Waikiki hotel room. The case stemmed from a "stranger danger" call to police last week.🐊
War secretary to mandate gender-affirming care
In an effort to keep U.S. troops on the "leading edge of lethality" while also increasing their risk of cancer, war criminal and former basic cable talking head Pete Hegseth announced service members aged 30 and older will undergo mandatory testosterone tests.🐊
Obese dementia patient cries 'foreign election interference' to justify his own
In the U.S. president's ongoing gaslighting campaign, he no longer treats the American people him as voters; he treats them as suspects to be implicated in convoluted, phony crimes.🐊
ICE gives brain-damaged unemployable license to kill
The ICE officer who allegedly killed a man in Maine has been suffering from lingering cognitive issues after an I-beam hit his dome and beats women, according to 2023 court proceedings. So, either employs violent, brain-damaged dolts or this dude be scammin'.🐊
Trafficking bros arrested by feds in Miami
Social media rapefluencers Andrew and Tristan Tate were taken into custody by federal law enforcement in Miami on Saturday, related to more and more charges of sexual assault from the UK.🐊
United agent threatens to call ICE on US citizen
A United Airlines worker at SFO turned a ticketing mix-up into a stellar opportunity to racially profile and threaten a U.S. citizen. "Maybe we should call ICE on you. You’re not acting like a citizen," the patriotic ray of sunshine is heard saying on video.🐊
How a joke launched a salad-based panic
"...a 30-second video of someone describing their week chained to the bathroom will keep people away from the salad aisle significantly faster than a CDC case count ever could. Not because it's more truthful, but because it's immediate—and because almost nobody looks at case counts."🐊